anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
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