I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
