I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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