I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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