but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
