It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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