I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
