Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
