i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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