and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
