my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
