More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize