words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
