final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
