im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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