Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
