So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
