I'm so fucking centered right now
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
