a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Text me some of your sweat
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