I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
