____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
