Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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