Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
