I accidentally had phone sex last night
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
