You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
