no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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