I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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