I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
