Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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