I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize