I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
