there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
