Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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