checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
