Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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