just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
