No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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