i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
