After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
