I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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