im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
