I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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