it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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