she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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