Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
