Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
