we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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