I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
