My sheets look like a crime scene.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
cat food counts as protein by the way
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
