my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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