Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
