I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
