The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
