Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
