I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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