Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
