No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
