Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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