i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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