non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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