He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize